Your Stars!! As You’ve Never Seen Them Before!!

Light relief in dire times
Recently a couple of friends reminded me about a “newspaper” I wrote some time after 911 in which I pondered what sort of world it is in which such things could happen. They warned me at the time that people of a certain mental bent would come gunning for me if I ever put it out in public. And we have indeed seen how in the last half decade some people have not only refused to consider certain issues but tried to silence those who have wanted to say uncomfortable things out aloud. I am not about to do that here.

Instead I want only to offer for your amusement (hopefully) the Astrology Section of the newspaper (which was called The Daily Mopup. The only edition ever written was dated 12/9/2001).

This, however, is astrology with a difference. I gave the constellations new names, and my challenge to readers is to match the new names with the old.

But first, a word on why a set of new names was used.

One of the legacies of the French Revolution that did not last was the revolutionary new calendar. The world had changed, reasoned the revolutionaries (although some people would question that the revolutionaries reasoned at all on anything) and that break with the past was enshrined in new measures. Hence the metric system which did last and the French Revolutionary Calendar which did not. Well, the world DID change on 911, and for that reason I thought it would be a good idea if we had a new set of names for the constellations of the Zodiac.

What follows is my prognostications for the whole human race during the month beginning 12/11/2001. The other point to be made here is that there are 13 constellations in this new version – for 13 lunar months. Soooo New Age. Oh, one more thing. An election was in the air when this was put together.

1 ELVIS There has been a celestial coup and Elvis is no longer King, so if you don’t know how things are in your castle, you should stay at home this month and give yourself time to consolidate before striking out on any new missions to the culturally challenged.

2 LIBERACE Always standing behind Elvis, Liberace’s fortunes have risen and fallen with the moods of the King. If you feel as though you’re running hot and cold, you should get out of the sauna before you get burned. Feather boas should be discretely closeted until it’s fashionable to wear them again.

3 MARILYN Public exposure of Bobby’s role in her demise has not calmed the wind that buffets this star of incalculable candle power. This is a good month to steer clear of politicians if you’ve got, or look like, a baby – and especially so if you feel like one.

4 MARLY Dreadlocks are in, especially in Byron Bay, but so are sniffer dogs. Beware good looking police officers, or you may find you have a willing nose in your crotch. So what’s the problem I hear you ask. Well, nothing a tasty bone wouldn’t fix.

5 MADONNA Every young man need one of these, especially when she assumes her alter ego. Whether you’re young or not – in fact you don’t even have to be a man – you can rent the video In Bed With Madonna to get through the coming month when the only show on TV is going to be Promises, Promises.

6 ABBA Mamma Mia! What a constellation! The sign of big time come-backs is the brightest it’s ever been this month. If you know any Liberal politicians try to avert their gaze from this sector of the heavens. We don’t want them becoming any more excited than they already are.

7 EMENEM Sugar coated chocolate seems a bit excessive, unless you’re an old smarty. But Hey! This is popular culture. If you’ve a mind to knock off someone else’s idea, don’t let good taste and manners stop you.

8 KYLIE Like background radiation Kylie’s always up there. In fact she’s the pole star. But no, she’s not the Pope. If you think the world revolves around you, enjoy it. Someone’s got to.

9 HOGES For all those who are having a Byron Bay address while they’re not living in Byron Bay, you’re in good company. Hoges is actually a planet rather than a star, but no one’s had the heart to tell him. If you start having illusions of grandeur, yet suspect you might actually be naked, you’ll never know if you don’t look.

10 MOLLY Never fear the ravages of ageing. Proof exists that once king of the kids, always king of the kids – or queen, or knave, or … whatever. If you have a strong urge to lash out and buy an Akubra, just do it. They’re great for bald patches.

11 PAULINE Paradox mesmerises. This black hole at the centre of the Southern Cross keeps flashing into view. This is definitely your time if you have a yearning to be noticed and to be heard. Beware old fields and earth ridges, however. Oh yeah, and don’t pretend to be a party animal if you’re actually a control freak.

12 ABBOTT AND COSTELLA Reincarnation is not always kind. Budd and Lu must have been naughty as well as funny to come back the way they did. If you plan on making promises this month, make sure they’re the kind that make people laugh with you rather than at you.

13 MENINGA Supernovas are spectacular “dead” stars. That doesn’t mean, however, that they’re insignificant. This one burst on its first appearance and became an instant hero – the kind that could even turn around the fortunes of the number thirteen. Meninga is not number thirteen however, but number one. The first star of the new era. If you feel a dummy pass coming on, this is your sign. You’re definitely about to score.
(PS if you're asking Who's (Mal) Meninga, That's why he's a real star.)