What do you say...

Visit to G&I 6-7/4/08
Change is imminent. As a result I have taken the opportunity to catch up with a number of people, because it may be some time before I have as much freedom to choose as I have had for the past year. Particularly urgent was a visit to Rockhampton to catch up with a couple of friends, one of whom has a limited time to live. Well don’t we all, you might say. Yes, but this bloke knows that the end is not just some time in the future, but just a few … well, moments, really… away.

Even though I was present for the several months of each of my parents dying, I have never before gone to visit someone, looking the same healthy active person as ever, knowing that I would never see them again. I had seen community service announcements on TV about finding out what you can do/say when you know someone with a terminal illness. I looked up the website. It didn’t help. So I got on a plane and flew north hoping that a certain promise made by one of the great mythologers of ancient times would be fulfilled. I can’t give chapter and verse, or even an approximate quote, but the sense of it is: Don’t be concerned with what to say. The words will be given to you. It didn’t work – for me, anyway - well, if it did it wasn’t until the very last moment of my visit.

Part of the reason I found it difficult to address the issue of a friend’s imminent death may be that Graham and Inge are living each day, focused on that day, attending to the day to day, speaking when necessary of the time ahead – after Graham has died and Inge is getting on with her life. In other words, they are focused on being alive – doing what the living do. Furthermore, Graham has been keeping a journal of their activities since being diagnosed with cancer of the larynx. Selling their country property and their town houses and moving into town close to where Inge works; going to doctors, being given a range of options and calmly choosing the one that makes most sense – to him, to them; winding up his relationships with all and sundry and being very frank about why; paying attention to detail as one would in any enterprise of significance. And what could be more significant than this!

Graham met me at the airport, complaining about how busy it was and how hard it was to find a park. Mmmmmm, I thought. That’s a good sign: business as usual. And so it was. We talked about the trees they’d planted since moving in; the upgrading to the house; the plants that had come from their last half dozen places of abode, strategically placed to fulfil their purpose in their new location; the way Inge’s work place operates and its tentacles into all of the eastern capital cities and its overseas clients; and so on – oh, and the party they’d had the day before for Graham’s 65th birthday. The closest I got to saying anything about his limited remaining time was: Oh, it was your birthday? Well, I wish you many happy returns of the day – and this time I mean it as never before. To which Graham replied with a smile, Ah yes, it’s probably my last. During our conversation I managed to have two glasses of wine which clobbered me like nothing I could have imagined. I took an afternoon nap and resumed conversation with them well into the night, after we’d all slept for six or eight hours. In the morning I said hurray to Inge and was driven to the airport by Graham.

We parted as we always had. You know, with words like You look after yourself and give our love to John. and Yes, I’ll do that, and you take care, and don’t worry about parking tickets. You won’t be around to pay them when they’re due. There! I did it!! At that moment I realised that the right words for the duration of my visit were words that fitted in with the priorities of my hosts. They weren’t dwelling on what I considered – still consider – to be an imminent catastrophe. But if one was going to make any reference to it, maybe humour was the appropriate attitude to have. It might have been risky, but it worked. Graham laughed out loud and waved me off. That’s the last image I will ever have of him – how I will remember him.

And what of Inge, AG? Her life will change, as would anyone’s. But she is a resourceful and imaginative. She will grieve and grow. And we will have a new role as friends of Inge, as distinct from, as it is at present, friends of Graham and Inge. But we will always remember….